Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Breathing New Life

Addiction is no fun! I have been smoking for many years now. The only time I quit was when I was pregnant. So technically I can subtract 3 years. This has been one of the biggest challenges of my life lately. When you have 3 kids that stress you out to no end, not smoking isn't easy. Smoking is my stress reliever and what I like to do when I sneak away for some quiet time or a break. I really enjoyed it. What I didn't enjoy was being out of breath at every spin class or freaking out if Pat was smoking cigs out of my pack, or being yelled at for taking Pat's lighter, or paying between $8-10 for a stupid pack of cancer sticks. Why am I paying for lung cancer, emphyzema, or COPD! I WANT TO LIVE! This has been no easy challenge for me, but I am up for a challenge. It really hasn't been long. It's only been about a week.
I was at a friends house for New Years Eve and one of the guest was sucking on an inhaler all night. Every step he took, he was gasping for air. I know what it's like to gasp for air and try to catch your breath but you can't. It's not a good feeling. It's pretty damn scary! I said to myself "I don't want to live like that." So for the mean time I have chosen not to. I catch myself thinking less and less about smoking. When it does cross my mind I just keep telling myself "Its my body that wants it, NOT ME." It helps me to have a little chant to keep repeating to myself. I am more determined this time than I have ever been in the past. You have to be determined when you are around it everyday. Most of my friends smoke as well as my husband Pat. That is the toughest challenge to date, living with a smoker. Although I have to say it's not that tough anymore. When I quit, I quit when Pat left for a business trip. He left, I threw out all the cigs, emptied all the ashtrays(for fear I would look for a butt I could take a hit off of) and said "It's Over between us! You are no good for me and things that are no good for me have no room in my life!" It's not over though and I have a feeling my relationship with smoking will not be over for a long time. I will always be a smoker at heart. As much as I say no, there is that side of me that will always want to say yes. Lets be honest and realistic too. It's only been a week.

1 comment:

  1. Mary - It's been 6 years for me. It was hard to quit, but I'm so glad that I did. I couldn't see myself talking to patients about changing their behaviors if I couldn't change mine. You can do it Puss. One day at a time...just continue to say no.

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